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Learning how to handle difficult people often involves closely examining yourself and your own behavior and then learning from those you find ’difficult’. They may turn out to be your unwitting teachers, enable you to change yourself for the better and to better understand them.

Learn more about this in the Article section of this website on Tuesday. Or, better yet, subscribe to my newsletter (on the left sidebar) to have one sent to you monthly.

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Most of us have an inner voice that’s always asking, “What next?” It seems that it’s never satisfied and is always pushing us forward. We can feel pressured by this voice to always do more.

This human condition causes us to move out of present time and into the presumed future. In other words, we get ahead of ourselves, trying to see what we need to do next. When we have a dream, we may have a feeling that we have to create something BIG RIGHT NOW.

The truth is, the future is built on what we do today. When we take small, daily steps we’re creating a significant future. The key to heading in the right direction, is to dream big but focus on what needs to be done today. Calm the nagger within and move steadily ahead.

Each day will bring new concepts and insights, and you will organically move yourself to a bright new future.

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In these tough times we’re challenged to move past the obstacles and live in grace. My friends showed us how:

Imagine hosting a destination wedding and people traveling from all over the world to attend. Now add on the Resort’s wedding planner quitting the day you arrive. That’s the situation our friends faced when hosting their Indian wedding in Jamaica. How did they handle it? With ingenuity, pleasant perseverance and grace. Here are some of the things I was so impressed with:
1. Unless you asked, you would have never known that the immediate family was scurrying to get it all done. They never complained.
2. The hosts were attentive, gracious, loving and smiling. They greeted us with open, loving arms and welcomed us to the family and the event. They were there for everyone, whether meeting you at the bus when you arrived, or finding you at the ocean or pool and coordinating events.
3. They rallied all of their closest family and friends to assist. Like a well-run corporation, all events were choreographed and managed by appointed individuals. We even had a team captain for our particular bus back to the airport. He had his list of people, flights and contacts. It appeared seamless and made it easy for the other guests.
4. They focused on what was most important: The blessing of the occasion. Friends and family gathered to witness the joining of two wonderful people in matrimony. That was the heart and soul of the event. And, what a spectacular event it was.

I feel blessed to have been a part of this wonderful event. The Resort service was horrendous, but no one got upset or angry. Everyone remained calm, loving, positive and focused on the joy of the occasion. The attention was on all that was good.

I experienced four days enveloped in love and the spirit of grace. It was a wedding to remember and an event that changed me forever. I understand that no matter the trials and tribulations, there’s nothing more important than remaining in a state of love and grace. Thank you friends for showing me how.

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This is a time of unlimited growth and transition, or a time of infinite pain. The choice is yours.

Darkness is a necessary part of life. Without it there would be no contrast showing us the light. Forest fires kill trees, that allow shrubs to grow. Shrubs feed wildlife. The forest doesn’t complain. It just continues on, without feeling sorry for itself, and grows. New plants evolve during this cycle. Some are fire retardant. Animals eat the insects that once grew in the trees that are now gone. It all works.

Life is testing you. Learn the lessons and be strong. If you don’t – if you complain and resist – it will only get worse until …. you get up and grow.

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I interviewed CJ Scarlet on my radio show today ( and she shared timely information about how to be happy in general, and especially on Thanksgiving. CJ gave 3 steps to happiness and 8 principles to help us be happy and successful. Here’s a summary of the three steps:
1. Stop wallowing in drama.
2. Look around and see that everyone wants happiness.
3. Help others to be happy.
We qualified #3. Don’t self sacrifice. But, do reach out to others when they want and need your help, and you feel comfortable giving it. She also discussed the 8 tips, which you can listen to by downloading the show.

Acts of kindness go a long way. It’s the little things that often help others to know we care and validate them. For example, CJ left inspirational quotes on the cars of patients who visiting a cancer care unit. What a wonderful “hello” message to help people to know they’re not alone and are cared for. What acts of kindness have you done lately? I’d love to read your comments.

Download and listen to more great tips on how to be happy on Thanksgiving by clicking on the “podcasts/radio” link above. Or, go to

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A client asked a question lately that is very relevant to most of us:
I was wondering if people know when they are hurting others or manipulating them? I notice that some people feel justified and right about manipulating and taking advantage of others. Are they aware of what they are doing? Are people like that – or do they have no idea that they are doing crazy stuff?

Do some people know they have evil intentions? Yes. However, some people may be hurting others without knowing it. The bottom line answer is, know what is helpful or harmful to you and protect yourself from it.

A person’s level of awareness and enlightenment determines the energy level that the person projects. Some people are very good intentioned, but are clueless about how they are affecting others. Most of us project negativity at times without intending to. The Dalai Lama admitted to having “bad moments” at times, when I saw him at Emory a couple weeks ago. It’s part of the human condition.

The keys to your happiness and safety are to keep yourself safe. Here’s how:
1. Don’t take what people do personally. It’s not about you. Really.
2. Don’t try to figure everyone out. You can’t.
3. Love everyone unconditionally. Period.
4. Stay away from those who are negative, for whatever reason.
5. Protect your space at all times.

It can be a crazy world out there (and inside sometimes). Following the above steps can help you to stay safe and happy.

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Question from a reader: I just discovered your helpful blog. Thanks for the great insight on family dynamics.

I have been super close with my family. Lately, I find myself desperately trying to ‘get distance’ psychically and physically from them …

My Answer:

Family can be challenging. We love ‘em and want to be close at times, but it’s important to maintain personal, internal boundaries, or “time & space” within. If you feel like you need distance, you may be letting them in to your personal space. You are letting everyone else’s energy in. True, there are “invaders” out there, both intentional and not. But, you have the ultimate control of the space in your head. You can kick them out and honor your boundaries.

While we are all connected and part of the oneness, we also are individuals with our own vibrations and essential awareness. It’s important to maintain a boundary – defining who we are and what we are not. Get to know yourself. Build an inner sanctuary and keep it sacred. Maintain this boundary and space.

Family energy can get very enmeshed and presents the perfect opportunity for us to learn to keep our integrity and maintain our boundaries. Know who you are and define what you want. You know what you don’t want. Now define what you want without naming anyone else. In other words, “I want peace and ownership in my space.” Instead of, “My mother keeps getting in my head.” I’m not saying your mother and you aren’t connected. Just look at how you can control what happens within you. She’s giving you a terrific opportunity to learn what boundaries are and how to enforce them.

Also, you can control what you talk about with your family, making the time spent together more pleasant. I once said to my mother, “Can we talk about something other than other people?” There was a long silence. She said a little abruptly, “What do you want to talk about?” I said, “How about appetizers. I need advice for my next dinner party.” She got into that subject, as she’s a great entertainer and cook.

I do not let my mom in my head at any time. Or any else, for that matter. I have enough thoughts of my own to contend with. With all due respect and love, no one else’s thoughts or energy is allowed within me. Being at peace and in integrity within allows me to be all I can be for others.

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How do you know when to accept or reject advice, feedback, “constructive criticism”? Below are some cues that I use to evaluate other people’s input that you may notice, as well:
If what the person says is true at some level you may notice the following behavior:
1. You’re “hot button” is pushed. When it’s not true, you won’t get emotional. Really.
2. You feel the need to defend yourself. Some part of you believes it or you’d automatically dismiss it and the person saying it.
3. Your angry or sad. See #1.
4. You shut down.
5.You blame the person speaking or anyone else for making you upset, or for the way you act, or for anything.
Or, if balanced and OK with hearing the truth,
6. You’re calm, objective and see the truth at some level in what the person is saying.

Here are some things you may experience if what the person says is untrue:
1. You remain objective, calm and clear.
2. You evaluate what the person says and look deep inside to see if there’s any truth to it.
3. You don’t find a single place within that resonates with what they said.
4. You understand clearly that the issue the person is talking about is an issue that he or she is grappling with. And, you are OK with that and with the person.
5. You don’t even hear what the person says. It just goes “over your head.”

People will say things to you, whether family, friends, bosses or people on the street. If you pay attention to the cues above you’ll learn from others and will be able to remain objective, calm and learn something about yourself…or not. The choice is yours.

If you’d like more insight on the above and issues you’re facing, one intuitive coaching session with me may help you to get the lesson and move on.

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We are innately loving beings. When we are in touch with ourselves, and even if not, who we are radiates through our hearts to others. When we love, the flow can be a blessing and healing. However, don’t expect others to be able to have all of what you offer.

The love you are and beam outward will flow and be there for others. It is a blessing that may or may not be received, depending upon who can have it. Others have their own issues and agendas. They may not need or want your love right now. It is not a reflection on you or the quality of your love.

Now you can love without obligation or agenda. You can just be and allow others to be, as well. You’ve also opened up the possibility that others can experience you and your love and gain from it without you even knowing it. It’s a blessing for all.

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Here are some tips to help you:
1. Please be kind to you. Realize that the situation is challenging. Emotional reverb is expected. Your emotions, like a sad child, will have a lot to say. Honor your feelings by noticing them and breathing through them. Let yourself calm yourself with your love and breath.

2. Download the limiting belief worksheet and the belief busting sheet from the bottom right side of my homepage ( This will help you to pinpoint the beliefs that are supporting your pain. It will also help you to support that emotional child that is hurting right now.

3. Love the child and support her, but don’t honor the thoughts that are generated. Thoughts about what happened, what you did wrong, what will happen, what someone else did wrong, whether you’ll be able to handle this, how you SHOULD be …. are very unproductive.

The only way to deal with these thoughts is to stop thinking them. Don’t follow the train of thought. You have built a neuropath in your brain that you follow and you become it. Don’t follow it. Don’t become your thought. Drop the thought completely and return to your center. If you can’t do this meditate more often so that you learn how to not get caught up in the mind.

Meanwhile, there are other tricks: Think of something more productive. Think of anything else – things that aren’t relevant to the situation. Think about things you need to do or things you enjoy. Look around you and notice trees or flowers… or a Prada handbag, if that’s your thing. Look up at the sky. Think about your garden. Like a child, distract your mind from its obsessive, painful pattern.

There is nothing to be gained by thinking about painful issues. You can’t fix your pain this way. It’s a mind myth.

Honor the tremendous opportunity to build up your mind control muscles, and return to emotional support of yourself. Love you. And know, this too shall pass and you’ll be happier and stronger than you’ve ever been

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User: debhill
Name: debhill
Back January 2011
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